nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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