They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
