Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
and she was petting her beer can
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Randomize
