A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
