I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
