I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
