he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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