i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
