Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize