i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
