Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
