his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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