you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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