Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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