i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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