Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
