Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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