Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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