I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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