Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
