im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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