My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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