Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I want her autograph on my taint
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
