Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
