Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
