you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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