As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
