i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize