She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
