This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
