I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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