I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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