I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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