oh god the rape fog is back!
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
