like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
