I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
