Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
