If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
