maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
