Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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