I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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