Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
