my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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