he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
