A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
