Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
