allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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