i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
