Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My life is pants optional.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
