The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i love accidental penises.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize