If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
