If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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