A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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