We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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